#Heartblog // It's ok to believe the good stuff, but then you have to believe the bad stuff too.

Once upon a time I was a girl who had no heartbeats and I fell into some semblance of a relationship with a dancer guy in my cast. I was a mess of a human back then. I drank too much. Felt too much, and most definitely cried too much. The dancer fellow was like a home for me. He was the sweetest, most caring, wonderful human ever. It’s very typical of the universe to give us one of these people after someone of the the exact opposite personality has ripped our insides out. The NICE guy, he just comes along, offering the world, and there is no chance that you are ever going to see how amazing he is.

I didn’t. Maybe the same way that others never realized what a catch I was, because I was too nice.

Anyways, I saw that dancer fellow tonight at a party and my mind was healthy enough to realize that he’s radical, he smelled like Las Vegas, he looked like the icon for the most creative time in my life. I miss that me. In turn, I felt myself missing him.

And I guess that is where we humans get fucked up, I am making no secret that I am doing my very best to not move to Greenland these days, and somehow we never want the things we can have. I spent an hour at this party tonight, wishing I was in his living room, dancing to Matt Nathanson again, healing my broken heart and filling up all of my emptiness with late night conversations with him. Why on earth would I ever want to go back to that time in my life? It makes no sense, But, it also makes no sense as to why, when he hugged me goodbye, I hugged him back twice as hard. And I made a choice, I made a choice not to say I miss you. I chose instead to be the person I could never be when I was with him, and being totally aware of what a perfect mate I have, and honor that fact.

Because relationships, at the start are all flowers and butterflies, but when that all fades, they are choices. You have to wake up every morning and chose to love the person you love. Love doesn’t just land on your lap to enjoy. You have to choose everyday, to not fuck it up with other people who smell like home, or say sweet things. You have to be that person who makes the right choice.

I don’t think you can choose what stays and what fades away, but I do think we get to choose our reactions to it all.

I don’t think I will ever be in a room with a rocker, dreamer or dancer where some sort of memory of the “us” invades my thoughts. Whenever I look into their eyes, pieces of my heart that I have closed off open up. I could kiss them all. I could love them again if they asked me. I could go around and around in circles with pasts and drama and hearts for another 20 years and still be wanting it all and nothing at the same time.

But I would rather, walk away. I am growing up and learning new skills. I am learning how to love someone, for real. Albie once said to me, its ok to believe the good stuff, but then you have to believe the bad stuff too. And he is right, if you want your fairytale, you better believe that it isn’t always going to be glitter and showtunes.

And so yes, there are pieces of my heart that are still broken, there are conversations I have in my head that will never be spoken, there are fragments of hatred and disappointment that a good heart cannot fix. The good guys will always lose and your name will always fuck me up.

But I would rather have your name fuck me up,
and his everything love me,
then ever let you hurt me again.