#Heartblog // People say they will love eachother forever, but they never really do.

This morning was an interesting morning, that started with a phonecall from the FBI.

Back in my early 20's I was with someone who has now ended up working for the FBI. I guess they needed to do a security clearance for him, and I was forced to answer an hour of questions about us, our time together and everything about it was horrible and awkward.

What was the reason you ended your relationship?

I've been dumped many times, I've walked way from a handful of relationships, and this was one of them. But I found it impossible to "sum up" what made me walk away from a 3 year long relationship, after having invested so much. So, what causes the end of love? How can you love someone SO much, be planning a life with them and then somehow figure out that you were utterly and completely wrong about your OWN feelings. I have a hard enough time trusting other people, so you can imagine what a mind-screw it is so attempt to trust my own feelings.

When does the begining of an end start? Is it the first time you look at someone and realize your "honeymoon phase" goggles have fallen off, and they are just a human with flaws? Or it is that first fight, the one where someone says something they don't mean and everytime you look at that person all you can hear are those awful words? How someone starts on a perfect pedestal and over time they break down over and over again, until they are just a normal human level full of flaws and mistakes. How you wanted them to never be like you, all flawed and imperfect because you wanted to finally have something that made you better and special.

ian thomas I wrote this for you

I really will never understand how perfect things fail to stay perfect, and why when people say they will love eachother forever but they never really do.

I couldn't really explain when I knew that it was over, but I remember being so thrilled that I had been asked to be a Rockette, and the words that came out of his mouth were, a warning, instead of a celebration. "So, you are just going to leave me, for 4 months, to go do some dance show?" and in that moment I knew I loved me more than I was ever going to love him. And, I left.

So here I am. In the middle of what I think might be my forever. I jump around giddy with the thought all day long, and then totally hate myself for believing that anything this good could last. Forever's will always be so confusing because, we are all liars. We have all given someone our forever, and then taken it away again.

Le Sigh. Forever.