#Heartblog // It’s Totally Possible To Love Someone And Completely Hate Them At The Same Time.
With my high school reunion coming up, all of a sudden tons of old pictures are coming out of the woodwork. I'm not sure why anyone wanted to date me (or my eyebrows!) in high school, but I came across a picture of my old high school crush.
I'm pretty sure I will love him forever.... and that's the thing about love. All these seasons of your life pass by, and with those many different groups of people that you share an all-giving closeness to...and some of those people become last names you cannot remember in your photos and some of them, you will just always love. Love is an energy that never goes away. That’s what’s so hard about love, you cannot turn it off.
I think that over time you get smarter at love. You also learn it’s totally possible to love someone and completely hate them at the same time. You learn that years can pass and you heart can break in a million ways, in life and in relationships and you will still be able to look about and remember that person fondly. Because, for some reason time feeds this sort of beautiful nostalgia, where even the most painful things become beautiful. We hold those memories inside perfect melancholy Counting Crows songs. There is a sort of beauty in remembering old pain. I’m not sure why, but there is.
Those things that hurt your heart become these really perfect puzzle pieces in your story. I can vividly remember having my 17 year old boyfriend dump me, and never wanting that night and drive home to end because I knew that when I dropped him off at his house, that I would never have him in the front seat of my car ever again. But, look at how many amazing things have happened to me and my heart since that night. Now, I thank the universe for breaking my heart that night. I thank the universe for all my heart breaks. I thank those people for having the courage to break my heart and not answer my pathetic calls to reconsile when I begged them to. They set me free. I couldn't see it at the time.
I think one of the biggest problems is that we want time to stop and for things to never change in love. People are always saying “I could just lay here forever.” But, I am pretty glad that I have had the chance to reinvent my life and heart over and over again. I look back on the past 12 years since I first moved to NYC and how much life those years have held. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.
My point? Whatever you are going through, keep going. Whatever is hurting your heart, has a plan for you. The things you do not have yet, you will have one day. So, do not be afraid of this story you are living, that heartbreak, all the what if’s- I promise you will end up where you need to when you need to.