#Heartblog // London Calling
The last time I was in London it was 2006. If you read my book "Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom" then you know the story. I was young, stupidly co-dependant and I had spent my last $1000 flying myself on a terrible airline to force myself into a relationship with a guy I barely knew. It wasn't just this particular London trip though, I did stuff like this all the time. I was whoever people wanted me to be. I made it easy for people to abuse me because I was a total "yes" woman. Whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, with zero concern for my own well being. The last time I was in London, I was the kind of girl who was living my life for other people. I thought the most important thing in the world was to have other people like me. To be noticed. I hate to use the word desperate, but I was. Not just in my love life. My entire life felt off because I was desperate for any tiny grains of success, love, notoriety. It was a very empty life. I was unfulfilled.
I've grown up and learned a lot in the almost decade since my first trip. It was a trip (pun intended) to go back to London this week. What I love about time, and getting older, is that I've become so much more of a whole person. People always say there is such beauty in youth, but I feel the opposite. It's a beautiful thing to know yourself as a person and be able to stand on your own two feet and feel confident about what you are putting out into the world. Getting older rocks, except for the wrinkles and muscle pain.
When I returned to London this week, I did it with a sense of self. I spent my time off alone, touring the city, people watching and taking in the city. I didn't care how I looked, or if other people would think it was cool. I took a million pictures, and no one will probably ever see them. I live my life for my own soul, through my own eyes. I want the Keltie experience, not the "what will people think is cool experience." I didn't lay awake at night worried about the time zones so that I could check in to see what my love was doing, worried about his behavior while on Miami on work. I didn't really even talk to him. We just live our lives in this super safe place, I'm my own person, who gets to be in love with his own person. Trust is a beautiful thing. Support is even better.
I went to London for work, with a kickass job, that I 100% have survived in because of my own tenacity and work ethic. No one handed me this job. I didn't get it because I was so and so's girlfriend. I own it. It's mine. Standing on my own two feet. I don't do this job so that I can get more friends, or have people think I'm cool. I do it because I love telling stories, I love being a connector of stories.
I thought a lot in London about the past, and how over time, we tend to remember things differently. My memories used to feel like horrible needles, sticking out of me filled with pain, regret and angst. I kept moving forward, but I could never look back and feel okay with the past. I was still angry. I was still hurt. I guess the truth of it all is that sometimes people are not the way your remember them. The way someone spoke to you, or made you feel isn't really how they are. Sometimes I will remember something, and it's crazy to realize that even though someone else was in the room and having that conversation with me, they might not remember the way I do. It's weird that we can change our memories based on what we thought we wanted, or what we thought someone or something was like. You can think someone is the love of your life, just because you WANT them to be the love of your life. Not because they actually are.
Time is a beautiful thing. We are growing everyday even though we may not feel that way. Keep growing, keep learning and keep standing on your own two feet. Live your life for YOU, and nobody else. I hope it takes you less than a decade to become your best self, but if it takes 10 years then join the club! It's okay to let go of the fuzzy coated dream you project onto people. It's okay to finally see things as they really are, even if it's not the way you wish it was. It's okay that not all of memories are good, because it makes the good stuff I have now so much more important to me.
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