#Heartblog // The Second Year
Today is our two year wedding anniversary. I want to write something incredibly romantic and beautiful about how I am the luckiest gal in the world for having the most magical year.
I can't write that. I had a terrible year.
The first year of marriage is all wedding photos and newlywed giddiness. It was changing my passport and storing my wedding dress, unpacking blenders and learning how to be "Mrs. Knight". It was every single person on the planet asking when we were having a baby. (Answer, not yet.)
I spent most of the second year of my marriage, convinced my husband was going to pack up and move out because life with me was not fun.
There is something in my world I call "10% Keltie" - I am convinced that the universe conspires against me to make the smallest things in life just a little bit harder. My suitcases get lost every time, my flights get cancelled, my pens explode, my phone screen cracks for no reason, drinking water will make me break out in hives, I fall down, I run into things, I forget things all the time, my grocery bags rip, I'll measure a window 6 times to buy curtains and they still won't fit, my wallets get stolen, my cars get lost in parkades sometimes for hours, despite having two GPS systems I cannot ever find my way...the list is endless. These things happen on a daily basis so much so that I just text pictures of ridiculous things happening to me with "10%" to my husband, and he just laughs at me, even he has admitted he's never seen anything quite like it.
10% Keltie was at an all time high this year. I might even call her 40% Keltie. Everything from getting a massive property tax bill I thought I had paid, whoops. My appendix burst on a random Thursday afternoon. I had a rather frightening cancer scare. My little dog Hobo almost died from pneumonia and has had never ending vet visits since. I got accosted by a homeless man in my garage. And finally, I found out that I have a misdiagnosed thyroid disease, which caused my hair to fall out and my body to reject my body, and basically my entire person to fall apart. Not to mention all the times I lost my car in parkades had to have security drive me around in a golf cart to find it. It's been a year.
There were days this year, where I would cry so hard that I would collapse on the bathroom floor and Swoon would have to pick me up. There were days this year where I had so little energy or confidence that I know Swoon would look at me and not see beauty or the woman of his dreams. There were days this year where I was glad that wedding vows include "for better or worse" because worse was happening.
It isn't lost on me, that other people's version of "worse" are far worse than mine, but I don't believe life is a competition, and that every single person is living their own story. My story was hard on me.
George Clooney once said "People don't want to see someone like me complain, so I don't." I'm very much the same. I know my life is blessed, so even in the hardest times, I've tried to not complain. I bet you didn't know I was having a rough go did you? Proving yet again, that you never really know what people are dealing with.
Being married is so many things, a wedding is glamorous and fun and exciting. But I've learned that being married is like building a tiny shield against the world. Just us. When my friends get engaged or start new relationships, I'm no longer interested in what the new love "does" or what they look like, or what their zip code is. The only thing that really matters when choosing a partner is, will this person love me at my worst? Will this person pick me off the floor? Will this person see beauty in me, when I cannot see it for myself? Would I be able to do the same for them? I swear to god, if you haven't met your person yet, put those qualities at the top of your list, and don't you dare settle for anything less. Love isn't a static thing. It's always changing.
I'm crying while I write this because I feel so damn lucky. I'm so lucky that Swoon didn't turn his back on me when I wasn't ready for the "good guy" and I'm lucky everyday that I get to spend my life with him. I was a little dying flower this year and he loved me back to life. He picked me up off the floor, (literally and figuratively) and he supported me and believed in me and he made the really scary things not so scary and the really bad things not so bad.
I realized a lot this year, and I learned a lot about love. I learned about what it really means to love someone and what a real grown up commitment looks like. I learned how important it is to choose a great partner. I can only imagine the times this year that my husband wanted to run away, or that he just wanted to have some "fun" or even a wife to have dinner with, and I couldn't be that person for him. I could only do two things this year, work and sleep. That was it. I know he was lonely, I know he was disappointed, and still he never left my side.
So, it's our anniversary and things are looking up! It feels like our wedding day was yesterday, and it feels like we've already lived a lifetime together. The good news is, I feel great! Hobo has only one medical issue this week and I've learned that I can scare off scary people if I yell loud enough. This was a terrible year, but it was also a year full of lessons. I'm stronger than I think I am. Swoon is a better man that I could have imagined and I know that love is real, and honest and good. I learned that you can trust someone with your life, and the won't let you down. I learned that people will make promises and keep them. I learned that we can get through anything.
Perhaps, it was a magical year after all, just not the kind of magic I was expecting.